I’ve experienced divorce from almost every angle.
I’m a child of divorce.
I’ve been divorced twice.
I’m a divorce coach.
My daughter is a divorce lawyer.
I have a background in sociology.
And I wrote a children’s book to help kids through divorce.
But having experience now does not mean I handled everything well when I was living through it.
The truth is, I made mistakes. Some of them came from stress. Some came from survival mode. Some came from not knowing what I know now. And if sharing those mistakes helps another parent protect their children, then it’s worth saying out loud.
The Hard Truth: Divorce Itself Isn’t Always the Biggest Problem
Many children can adjust to living in two homes. What often causes deeper long-term pain is what happens around the divorce:
- Constant conflict
- Emotional instability
- Badmouthing the other parent
- Confusion
- Feeling blamed
- Lack of reassurance
- Being pulled into adult problems
- Unpredictable routines
- Silence when they need answers
Children do not need perfect parents during divorce. They need safe, steady, emotionally aware parents.
What I Would Do Differently
Looking back, these are the biggest changes I would make.
#1 – I Would Regulate Myself First
When parents are overwhelmed, angry, anxious, reactive, or emotionally unavailable, kids feel it.
Even if they don’t understand the details, they absorb the tension. Children need at least one calm, grounded adult in the storm.
That means:
- Pausing before reacting
- Managing your own emotions privately
- Getting support for yourself
- Not making your child carry your stress
#2 – I Would Talk to My Kids More Openly
Many parents try to “act normal” and pretend everything is fine. Kids know when something major is happening.
Silence often creates more fear than truth.
Use age-appropriate honesty. Keep it simple. Repeat reassurance often.
#3 – I Would Reassure Them Again and Again
Children often personalize divorce.
They may secretly believe:
- I caused this
- If I behaved better, they’d stay together
- Mom is leaving because of me
- Dad doesn’t love me anymore
They need to hear repeatedly:
This is an adult decision. It is not your fault. We both love you. We will both take care of you.
#4 – I Would Focus More on Structure
Divorce creates uncertainty. Structure creates safety.
Helpful tools:
- Visual calendars
- Consistent pickup times
- Similar bedtime routines
- Regular meals
- Clear expectations in both homes
Kids cope better when they know what to expect.
#5 – I Would Teach Coping Skills Earlier
Children need tools for big emotions. Try these:
- Naming feelings
- Journaling
- Drawing
- Movement
- Breathing exercises
- Talking to a trusted adult
- Therapy when needed
What Parents SHOULD Do During Divorce
Use this as your practical checklist.
#1 – Communication:
- Explain the separation calmly and clearly
- Use age-appropriate language
- Reassure them often
- Encourage questions
- Keep conversations open over time
#2 – Emotional Safety:
- Validate feelings
- Listen without correcting
- Let sadness, anger, confusion, and fear be expressed
- Stay steady and supportive
#3 – Co-Parenting:
- Allow the child to love both parents freely
- Be warm when they talk about time with the other parent
- Keep them out of adult disputes
#4 – Stability:
- Keep routines consistent where possible
- Use calendars and schedules
- Maintain school, friendships, and activities
#5 – Support
- Check in regularly
- Watch behaviour changes
- Seek professional help if needed
What Parents Should NEVER Do
These behaviours can cause lasting harm:
- Blame the child
- Badmouth the other parent
- Use the child as a messenger
- Ask them to spy or report back
- Force them to choose sides
- Share legal or financial stress with them
- Use them for emotional support
- Introduce major changes too fast
- Ignore obvious signs they are struggling
Even one harmful pattern repeated over time can leave a mark.
Signs Your Child May Be Struggling
Watch for changes that last several weeks:
- More crying or irritability
- Anger or meltdowns
- Withdrawal from friends
- Too much isolation or screen time
- Sleep problems or nightmares
- Appetite changes
- Clinginess
- Regression (bed-wetting, baby-like behaviours)
- Slipping grades
- Zoning out or seeming distant
These are signals, not failures. They mean your child needs support.
If You’re in a High-Conflict Divorce
You may not be able to control the other parent. But you can control your side.
- You can be the stable parent
- You can be the respectful parent
- You can be the emotionally safe parent
- You can stop the cycle in your home
Sometimes one healthy parent makes a huge difference.
Why I Wrote the Book It’s Never Your Fault
Writing my children’s book was personal. It was my way of turning painful lessons into something helpful for other families.
The message is simple and powerful:
Children need to know they are loved, safe, and never to blame for adult choices.
If you are looking for a gentle resource to read with your child, It’s Never Your Fault was created for exactly that purpose. See below for the link to purchase.
Final Thought
I did the best I knew how to do at the time. Many parents are doing the same. But when we know better, we can do better.
If you are going through divorce right now, focus less on being perfect and more on being safe, honest, calm, and consistent.
That can change everything for a child. And no matter how hard it feels today—you and your children can get through it.
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Get the Book: It’s Never Your Fault
If you’re looking for a simple, supportive way to help your child understand and cope with divorce, Michelle’s children’s book It’s Never Your Fault is a powerful place to start.
Written from a child’s perspective, it helps kids process big emotions, understand what’s happening, and most importantly, reminds them that the divorce is not their fault.
👉 Purchase your copy here:
- Amazon U.S.: https://www.amazon.com
- Amazon Canada: https://www.amazon.ca
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About the Author: Michelle Smith is a certified divorce coach, author, entrepreneur, podcast host, and mom of two grown daughters (one of whom is a divorce lawyer). Having been through divorce herself—twice—she created this book to help children feel safe, seen, and supported. Michelle is the founder of Divorce Talk, a coaching platform that empowers families to navigate divorce with strength and compassion.
Connect with Michelle
📱 416-254-0025
✉️ divorcetalkwithmichelle@gmail.com
🌐 www.divorcetalk.ca