It all started in a University lecture Hall… I’ve mentioned before that I have a BA in Social Sciences, with a major in Sociology.
I still remember sitting in one of my first university lectures—hundreds of students packed into a room—and I was absolutely fascinated. The study of people, relationships, families… I was hooked.
Naturally, divorce came up as a major topic. As a child of divorce (this was long before I had kids of my own), I found the material insightful and incredibly personal.
There was one moment I’ll never forget.
During a lecture on divorced families, the professor said something that hit me like a freight train:
“Shame the parent, shame the child.”
He was explaining why parents should never speak negatively about the other parent. And in that moment, everything clicked.
The Deep Impact of Parental Shaming
As a child of divorce, I knew exactly what he meant.
My parents weren’t aware of the emotional damage their words had caused. They didn’t know how deeply those moments would cut—and how those wounds would settle in, quietly and painfully, for years.
Here’s the truth:
We are 50% of each of our parents. As children, we have no say in who our parents are or why they marry—or divorce. We’re passengers in a journey we never signed up for.
So when one parent criticizes or insults the other, the child internalizes that as a criticism of themselves. And that’s where the trauma begins.
What I Did Differently During My Divorce
When I went through my first divorce, I carried that lecture with me. I made a conscious decision: I would never speak ill of my children’s father in front of them.
I saved the venting for friends. For my therapist. For a bottle of wine on a Friday night—never for my kids.
In fact, I became a bit of a crusader on this topic. Whenever a friend or client mentioned trash-talking their ex in front of the kids, I’d stop them and say:
“If you only remember one piece of advice from me, remember this—never badmouth the other parent. Ever.”
But What If the Other Parent Is Badmouthing You?
I get asked this a lot.
“But Michelle, what if my ex is speaking badly about me to the kids?”
Here’s my advice:
- Stay calm. If possible, reach out to your ex and explain how damaging it is—for the children—to hear those things.
- If communication is strained, consider involving a family therapist or mediator to address the behavior constructively.
- As a last resort, your lawyer can help enforce respectful parenting through a formal parenting plan or legal agreement.
- Above all—control your own behavior. Never, ever stoop to the same level. Your kids are watching, and they will remember how you handled it.
Kids Aren’t Built to Carry Adult Pain
I’ve heard people justify oversharing with their kids:
“They should know.”
“They’ll figure it out eventually.”
“One day, they’ll see the truth.”
My response?
“I hope they never do.”
Children are not emotionally equipped to process the complex behaviors, betrayals, and disappointments that adults experience in a divorce. It is not their job to be your confidante or emotional support system.
Oversharing can backfire—and it often does. I’ve seen it firsthand. Some children end up resenting the parent who shared too much. Others grow up confused, angry, and burdened by loyalty conflicts that never should’ve existed.
Parental Alienation Should Never Be an Option
Parental alienation is one of the most damaging tactics in any divorce—and I’ve always said it should be illegal.
I’ve debated this with my daughter (who, as you may know, is a family lawyer). She makes a valid point—it’s extremely difficult to prove and would likely pull children into a courtroom, which is also not in their best interest.
But I’ll say this: It’s morally wrong. Full stop.
There is never a reason to saddle your children with your rage, your resentment, or your heartbreak. Save it for your therapist, your journal, or your best friend’s patio with a glass of wine.
We All Slip—But We Can Do Better
We’re human. Divorce is hard. And sometimes we say things in the heat of emotion (in front of the kids) that we regret.
If you’ve done it—own it. Apologize. Course-correct. Then, commit to doing better.
Because your children are worth it.
Final Word: Protect Their Peace
Your number one job as a parent during divorce? Protect your child’s emotional safety.
- Never speak negatively about your ex in front of them.
- Don’t involve them in adult conflicts.
- Don’t treat them like pawns or sounding boards.
- Be the steady, loving parent they can trust.
If you do that—really do that—they will thank you. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But one day, they’ll look back and know:
“My parent made sure I was protected, even when everything else was falling apart.”
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